Tanya O'Debra

...a haven for tender artistic feelings... ...a refuge for tears to be shead... ...poetry... ...suicide...

Monday, June 20, 2005

...we've got to find out what whitney meant by that incest comment...

Indeed we must.

The title of this post is a quote from my favorite show, Passions. It refers to a young girl, Whitney, who accidentally married her half brother, Chad, and conceived an incest baby named Miles. Miles was born four months premature, and Whitney's new boyfriend, Fox Crane, believes Miles is his own son. Fox, who is the grandson of evil billionaire Allister Crane, was shocked to find out that Whitney used the power of attourney that he granted her to sign papers allowing Whitney to give up the baby that he believed to be his own for adoption. You see, nobody except Whitney's mother, Dr Eve Russell knows that the baby's real father is none other than Whitney's half brother, Chad.

You may be asking yourself, why would Whitney tell her mother that she was having an incest baby? Why not just let her think, like everyone else, that the baby was Fox's? Wouldn't that make for an easier kept secret? Maybe you should ask yourself why Eve would let her daughter marry someone who she suspected to be her own son in the first place. I guess things like incest don't look so ugly from the Crane Mansion, where Eve now lives with evil turned good millionaire, Julien Crane, son of evil billionaire Allister Çrane.

What makes Allister Crane so evil? You mean besides his various attempted murders, numerous kidnappings, excessive and reckless brandy drinking and cigar smoking, car bombing, ominous cackling, and repeated proclaimations about how much he loves being evil? Well, for example, today he was spotted hiding his half daughter, Beth Wallace, and the child she kidnapped, Marty, behind the walls of the fourth hidden vault that I have seen on the show Passions.

Why would Beth kidnap Marty? Well, she can't go to jail! And not only because nobody actually serves time for the crimes they commit in Harmony, the town where Passions takes place. Beth kidnapped Sheridan Crane, Allister's other daughter, because Sheridan was engaged to the man Beth insists is her true love, Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald. Sheridan was pregnant at the time, and Beth hid her in what was the first hidden vault I had seen on the show Passions, which was a deep hole in her basement. Beth kept Sheridan down in that hole for the entirety of her pregnancy, while at the same time faking her own pregnancy. Luis, who truly loves Sheridan, never stopped searching for her, but was not about to walk out on the baby that Beth was pretending to carry. Beth and her incontinent mother, Edna, along with Edna's nursemaid and best friend, a monkey named Precious, all distorted their voices and dressed as clowns whenever they had to tend to their hostage, Sheridan. Beth's plan was to let Sheridan live long enough to give birth to Luis' baby and then kill her so that she and Luis could live happily ever after without that pesky blonde in the way. Beth succeeded in kidnapping the baby and Sheridan escaped with her life, and her three kidnappers, Beth, Edna and Precious escaped with their anonymity. So far.

Precious, on the other hand, had her own ideas. Precious, too, was in love with Luis. She was often found daydreaming about activities such as ice skating and eating cotton candy with the object of her passion, Luis. Precious spent many an afternoon cooking up ways to get Beth out of the way and Luis into her arms. Monkey see, monkey do, Beth. Monkey see monkey do.

(Just a little side note about the saying, "Monkey see, monkey do". A bystander at the courthouse in the Bronx had these words to say as my closest friends and I exited the building. "Monkey see, monkey do." It was clear that we all had just witnessed the marriage of two dear friends. Never has a more appropriate sentiment been uttered. Some people just have a gift when it comes to speechmaking on special occasions. Perhaps he knows the great poetess who penned "I can deep throat a twelve inch cock. Can you?'', on the bathroom wall of that same Bronx courthouse.)

As you can plainly see, the back story for Passions is vast in its breadth and depth, and I have only scratched the surface. It will take weeks for me to get you up to speed on all the inner workings of Harmony. Right now I would like to share a few choice quotes from todays episode.

1. Spike - "What will you have to drink?"

Fancy Crane - "Champagne. If it's cold, French, and expensive."

2. Noah - "Nobody burns my little sister and gets away with it." (Sets rape bed on fire.)

3. Sheridan - Beth is Allister's daughter.

Julien - Allister and Edna Wallace? That smelly old crone?

Unfortunately, I only have one week day off of work, so I can only watch Passions every Monday. I will give weekly updates on Passions, and I will also continue to fill in the back story to the greatest television show ever made.

I will leave you with this: Juliet Mills, who plays Harmony's meddlesome witch, has garnered the first Emmy nomination for Outstanding Actress in a Leading Role that Passions has ever seen. Cross your fingers! Apparently, Passion has won three Daytime Emmys and was nominated for 20 others! All this within 6 seasons! Way to go, Passions!


At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Noel said...

YOU are an incest baby!

At 11:46 AM, Blogger Tanya O'Debra said...

You are one.

At 4:12 PM, Anonymous noel said...

you are

At 10:14 PM, Blogger Tanya O'Debra said...

You are.


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