Tanya O'Debra

...a haven for tender artistic feelings... ...a refuge for tears to be shead... ...poetry... ...suicide...

Monday, June 27, 2005

...you are full of it. and i'm not talking about botox...

I would hold the hand of the one who could lead me places
And kiss the lips of the one who could sing so sweet.
And I would fly on the wings of the bird
I knew, it would take me highest.

Breathe in, breathe out.
You keep me alive.
You are the fire burning inside of me.
You are my passion for life.

Passions

Best theme song ever. And yes, the title of this post is yet another delicious quote from the greatest soap opera living or dead, Passions. Those words were spoken by Teresa Lopez-Fitzgerald, sister of Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald, who we all remember is struggling to get his son back from the evil grips of his murderous ex-girlfriend, Beth Wallace, who is aided by Harmony's richest citizen and recognized town villain, Allister Crane. But we'll talk about Luis' stuggle later.

Once, long ago, Teresa Lopez-Fitzgerald was on top of the world. She had a loving family and a devoted fiance, Ethan Crane, son of Julien Crane. But good things never last long in Harmony. You see, long ago, Julien Crane was not the benevolent millionaire that he is now. He was bitter and evil, just like his father, Allister. And just like his father, if he saw budding happiness, he had to squash it before it could fully bloom. That is why Julien got Teresa so drunk that she didn't kow what was happening so that she would mistake Julien for her fiance, Ethan, and marry Julien instead! On their wedding night, Julien took Teresa's cherished virginity, and they conceived a child. Teresa was desperate with rage when she discovered what she had done, and she filed for an annullment, which was granted to her. But Ethan was so furious that Teresa had married his father that he could not take Teresa back, and he began to date Gwen Hotchkiss, daughter of the scheming gold digger, Rebecca Hotchkiss, who was soon to become Julien's new wife. Though Ethan still loved Teresa, he was too disgusted with the idea of Teresa sleeping with his father. But was Ethan really Julien's son? Of course not! Ivy Winthrope, Ethan's mother and Julien's ex-wife has been in love with Officer Sam Bennet for decades. And the embarrassing secret of Ivy and Sam's affair and love child had been well kept for just as long. Fortunately for Teresa, secrets in Harmony have roughly a thirty year time limit before they are exposed. And those thirty years were now up. Even though Teresa had discovered Ivy and Sam's secret, she had planned to remain tight lipped as not to ruin Ethan's life by robbing him of the Crane fortune. But with a scheming mother comes a scheming daughter, and Gwen and Rebecca found the information on Teresa's computer and emailed it to the tabloids, blaming the leak onTeresa and sealing Gwen's fate as Ethan's bride.

Rebecca Hotchkiss will stop at nothing to ensure that poor Teresa's life is a living hell. Why should she? She's worked so hard to secure hers and her daughter's places as the wives of two of the wealthiest men in Harmony. And now that her little Gwenny was pregnant with Ethan's child, that future seemed more secure than ever.

Okay really long story short, Gwen lost the baby, so they decided to let Teresa carry their embrio, but Teresa donned a blond wig to fool Ethan into thinking that he was sleeping with Gwen. Gwen's baby didn't take, but Teresa's did, and when Gwen found out that she was not the baby's mother, she stabbed Teresa in the back with a scalpel, leaving her paralyzed for several weeks. Gwen spent a couple days in jail where she went crazy, and then she escaped and kidnapped Jane and took her to the Allister's secret lair on a secret island. Ethan and Teresa rescued baby Jane, but then Ethan and Gwen got back together and got custody of Jane, plus they already had custody of little Ethan because Rebecca and Julien turned him over to their care. Basically, Gwen tried to murder Teresa, and instead of getting punished in any way, she got everything that she wanted. Because attempted murder is not really a crime in Harmony.

Now that we are up to speed on that story line, here is what happened on today's episode. Rebecca told Teresa to "Go back to Guacamoleville!" Then Teresa threatened to kill her in order to get her baby back. Then Rebecca threw herself down the stairs to frame Teresa!

Back to Luis and Sheridan. Beth and little Marty are so close to escaping, but everyone is on to them, so Allister has decoy Beths and Martys running around the Crane property to fool everyone who is hunting for Beth. Allister hid the real Beth and Marty behind a trick wall. Just as Beth and Marty were about to make their real escape, Sheridan found them and threatened to kill Beth. Sheridan is no stranger to murder. In fact, that angelic blond sweetie killed her Aunt Rachel when she was only seven years old! But she doesn't know about it. Yet. Don't worry, Allister's been hiding Rachel's body in the moseleum under the gazebo for all these years. It looks like Sheridan's thirty years of secrecy are just about over!

Here is this week's quote from Fancy Crane, the Paris Hilton of Harmony:
"You are just like other poor people. You hate rich people because they aren't poor like you."

Stay tuned for more next week!

Monday, June 20, 2005

...we've got to find out what whitney meant by that incest comment...

Indeed we must.

The title of this post is a quote from my favorite show, Passions. It refers to a young girl, Whitney, who accidentally married her half brother, Chad, and conceived an incest baby named Miles. Miles was born four months premature, and Whitney's new boyfriend, Fox Crane, believes Miles is his own son. Fox, who is the grandson of evil billionaire Allister Crane, was shocked to find out that Whitney used the power of attourney that he granted her to sign papers allowing Whitney to give up the baby that he believed to be his own for adoption. You see, nobody except Whitney's mother, Dr Eve Russell knows that the baby's real father is none other than Whitney's half brother, Chad.

You may be asking yourself, why would Whitney tell her mother that she was having an incest baby? Why not just let her think, like everyone else, that the baby was Fox's? Wouldn't that make for an easier kept secret? Maybe you should ask yourself why Eve would let her daughter marry someone who she suspected to be her own son in the first place. I guess things like incest don't look so ugly from the Crane Mansion, where Eve now lives with evil turned good millionaire, Julien Crane, son of evil billionaire Allister Çrane.

What makes Allister Crane so evil? You mean besides his various attempted murders, numerous kidnappings, excessive and reckless brandy drinking and cigar smoking, car bombing, ominous cackling, and repeated proclaimations about how much he loves being evil? Well, for example, today he was spotted hiding his half daughter, Beth Wallace, and the child she kidnapped, Marty, behind the walls of the fourth hidden vault that I have seen on the show Passions.

Why would Beth kidnap Marty? Well, she can't go to jail! And not only because nobody actually serves time for the crimes they commit in Harmony, the town where Passions takes place. Beth kidnapped Sheridan Crane, Allister's other daughter, because Sheridan was engaged to the man Beth insists is her true love, Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald. Sheridan was pregnant at the time, and Beth hid her in what was the first hidden vault I had seen on the show Passions, which was a deep hole in her basement. Beth kept Sheridan down in that hole for the entirety of her pregnancy, while at the same time faking her own pregnancy. Luis, who truly loves Sheridan, never stopped searching for her, but was not about to walk out on the baby that Beth was pretending to carry. Beth and her incontinent mother, Edna, along with Edna's nursemaid and best friend, a monkey named Precious, all distorted their voices and dressed as clowns whenever they had to tend to their hostage, Sheridan. Beth's plan was to let Sheridan live long enough to give birth to Luis' baby and then kill her so that she and Luis could live happily ever after without that pesky blonde in the way. Beth succeeded in kidnapping the baby and Sheridan escaped with her life, and her three kidnappers, Beth, Edna and Precious escaped with their anonymity. So far.

Precious, on the other hand, had her own ideas. Precious, too, was in love with Luis. She was often found daydreaming about activities such as ice skating and eating cotton candy with the object of her passion, Luis. Precious spent many an afternoon cooking up ways to get Beth out of the way and Luis into her arms. Monkey see, monkey do, Beth. Monkey see monkey do.

(Just a little side note about the saying, "Monkey see, monkey do". A bystander at the courthouse in the Bronx had these words to say as my closest friends and I exited the building. "Monkey see, monkey do." It was clear that we all had just witnessed the marriage of two dear friends. Never has a more appropriate sentiment been uttered. Some people just have a gift when it comes to speechmaking on special occasions. Perhaps he knows the great poetess who penned "I can deep throat a twelve inch cock. Can you?'', on the bathroom wall of that same Bronx courthouse.)

As you can plainly see, the back story for Passions is vast in its breadth and depth, and I have only scratched the surface. It will take weeks for me to get you up to speed on all the inner workings of Harmony. Right now I would like to share a few choice quotes from todays episode.

1. Spike - "What will you have to drink?"

Fancy Crane - "Champagne. If it's cold, French, and expensive."

2. Noah - "Nobody burns my little sister and gets away with it." (Sets rape bed on fire.)

3. Sheridan - Beth is Allister's daughter.

Julien - Allister and Edna Wallace? That smelly old crone?

Unfortunately, I only have one week day off of work, so I can only watch Passions every Monday. I will give weekly updates on Passions, and I will also continue to fill in the back story to the greatest television show ever made.

I will leave you with this: Juliet Mills, who plays Harmony's meddlesome witch, has garnered the first Emmy nomination for Outstanding Actress in a Leading Role that Passions has ever seen. Cross your fingers! Apparently, Passion has won three Daytime Emmys and was nominated for 20 others! All this within 6 seasons! Way to go, Passions!

Friday, June 17, 2005

...i'm a little bloody rape baby...

Well, in some circles, anyway.

Dog Names
- Alan
- Susan
- Sharon (only if it's a German Shepard)
- Matthew
- Lisa (this is a great one)
- Cathy (especially if you're dog's really annoying)
- Danielle (I refuse to justify this one.)
- Pat
- Megan (only if it's a real cunt)(notice I didn't say
bitch)(that would have been lame)
- Galen
- Nose (I bet you didn't see that one coming.)
- Pizza