Tanya O'Debra

...a haven for tender artistic feelings... ...a refuge for tears to be shead... ...poetry... ...suicide...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

...i made out with my cousin...

Not really. But I do have a copy of her book report.

"My Book Report on 'Charlotte's Web'" by Jaimie Kuss

"Charlotte's Web, by E. B. White, is the story of a pig with a dream. This pig was Wilbur. Wilbur's dream was not to be a movie star with a boyfriend and a ten speed bike and make-up. Wilbur's dream was to live out his whole life on a farm with no one to call him a retard or a lesbo.

Wilbur was born a runt, which means he was too small and everyone hated him. I know how he felt, because I was born too small, and they had to put me in an incubator. My dad says that it's because I should have never even been born. The farmer, Mr Arable, wanted to chop off Wilbur's head with an axe. My dad says that he wishes he did that to me, because then we wouldn't be in this mess. But before Mr Arable could chop poor baby Wilbur's head off, his daughter, Fern, rescued Wilbur and nursed him with a baby bottle. Mr Arable said Wilbur is a spring pig. My dad says that I am just a regular pig and he wishes he could sell me to my uncle, just like Mr Arable sold Wilbur to Fern's uncle, Mr Zuckerman.

When Wilbur got to Mr Zuckerman's farm, he was very lonely without Fern. The talking goose in the next pen told him to run away. So, Wilbur snuck out of his pen through the loose board. But everyone noticed right away, and they all went and found him. When I ran away, nobody noticed until I came back three days later when I was tired of living in Sharon's shed.

As time passed, Wilbur got lonlier and lonlier. None of the talking animals would play with him. Not even Templeton, the rat. He probably just talked to his Barbies all day. Then Wilbur started hearing voices. Everyone thought he was crazy, but nobody made him stand in the closet for five hours until he peed his pants. Instead, a beautiful spider named Charlotte befriended him Charlotte forced Wilbur to watch her kill a fly and drink its blood. Then the talking goose had a baby.

Then the talking sheep told Wilbur that the farmers were going to kill him at Christmas. My dads says that he's going to try to sell me to those farmers. Charlotte decided to save Wilbur's life by writing words in her spider web. Everyone thought it was a miracle when Charlotte wrote the words "Some Pig", "Terrific", and "Radiant" in her web, so they brought Wilbur to the State Fair. Charlotte wrote the word "Humble" in her web at the Fair, and Wilbur won $25. My dad says that the only prize I could ever win would be a blue ribbon at the Ugliest Person Alive Contest.

Charlotte layed a bunch of eggs and died alone at the Fair. Wilbur took her eggs home after he left Charlotte to die. When all the eggs hatched, almost all the baby spiders ran away, except for three - Joy, Aranea and Nellie. They probably were retards. They couldn't even write in their webs.

Mr Zuckerman never killed Wilbur. My dad says it's because he's a pussy.